SAY "NO" TO THE DRESS

Hello everyone... am I the only one obsessed with TLC's show, "Say Yes to the Dress?'" Okay, so these women fly in from all over the country to buy their dream dress, to marry their dream fiance, at their dream location and have their dream life. All this is made possible of course by their dream man's huge ass wallet (or their daddy's huge ass trust fund) . Scenario: bride, size 2, blonde hair with black roots, perfectly oranged skin, fake tatas and in possession of a nasally jersey trash accent. You are left wondering... how in the world does this used and abused broad have an "unlimited" budget? This question is difficult to answer. However, do not rack your brain for too long... enter fiance. Bald, techy dude from India. His name is usually Sanjay or Sheepak. Don't get me wrong... I want one of them too. However, not to many Mormon boys fit this description (bald, yes... rich, intelligent Indian, not so much.) So anyway.. if you want to see a rich twig humiliate, patronize and demean the bridal employees at Kleinfeld's (the name of the bridal store), watch this show. You will be entertained and you will definitely want to elope when your dream man comes a knocking. P.S. If I don't get my dream job of being an international spy, I will become a bridal assistant at Kleinfeld's and steal their Indian men.

I MAKE KIDS THROW UP.

So I have a story for youI was at the Christmas program for the school. There was a kindergartner, we'll name him Bob. He has the sweetest voice and is blonde and very smart and funny. Anyways, I've gotten to know him pretty well and he was nervous to go on stage and perform his speaking part and singing part. So the little guy came to me for some TLC. He chose wisely. I have this little gift where when kids are scared or nervous they always come to me and I can calm them down and convince them to do the task that they find terrifying and they do it. They trust me for some odd reason. It is my favorite gift from heaven. Anyways, he told his parents he wasn't doing it. 5 minutes with Miss Kaley and he was on stage. THEN HORROR BROKE OUT. He started just fine, and then in the middle of singing he just turned white and threw up in front of 200 people. He just puked all over the stage. It was the saddest thing you could ever see.... and I felt like it was my fault because I convinced him to do it. I am terrible. But on the positive side, he has recovered and it was the most memorable act of the night!

Chad.

My Dad is an ESPN man. The only other shows he watches are Bill O'reilly and the Amazing race. However, last week I discovered him watching million dollar listing on bravo, and he said he watches it because he loves Chad. What the ? I cannot stand him. To each his own I suppose. It made me laugh for days.

Vacation!

we love it's a small world.

the glorious beach.

my family is perfect.

My family and I went on our yearly vacation to California. It was, as usual, perfect, and I never wanted to leave. The beach is the most wonderful place on earth, and I love Disneyland. We had some adventures that I would like to inform you about.

1. I found out that Kelsey wants to name her daughter Olive and her son Oliver. And if she has a second son his name will be Sebastian. Goo! They will hate her.

2. I get free stuff from women all over the place. Girls, I need girl-crush business cards. I swear. My mom and my sisters and I went to the O.C. swap meet (classy) and I got free stuff just because they liked me... earrings, bread, etc. I should just become a lezzie bezzie and get it over with.

3. Kelsey believes that the blankets she used were "activated" by her body heat and that is why she got so freaking hot in the night. Loco.

4. We watched an episode of celebrity Jeopardy and I discovered that I answered all of the questions right. They were made for 4th graders. I hate celebrity Jeopardy and so does my family. Also Judge Judy never ceases to amaze us. We adore her.

5.Whitney was talking on the phone in Costco as we were buying food for the week and she was like "I don't know where I am." An evesdropping stranger said in a really gruff voice, "You're in Carlsbad!!!!!" Yikes. Whitney also eats pickles and chips and salsa, and thats about it. She missed those things while in Italia.

6. Costco sells the bomb molasses cookies. Hot damn! Pick them up.

7.My Nana, for some reason unknown, thinks that if someone looks nice, they are Mormon. So she will just ask the cash register guy "are you Mormon?" clear out of the blue, and the usual response is "GOD NO!!!!" Gotta love it.

8. We had to sleep on a pull-out in the living room (my back is in some bad shape) and Charley, my baby sis, refused to sleep there because she said that the shadows in the kitchen at night looked like "King Kong." She was terrified.

9. I love taking long walks for hours on the beach. It is my goal in life to own a beach house. Also, the best musician to listen to while on the beach is Mason Jennings. He is my new favorite singer.

10. I watched the mirror has 2 faces, and funny girl. It would have been complete if Yentil had been played. Babs never fails me.

11. The best thing to do at Disneyland is to people watch. THERE IS NOTHING BETTER. The winner of best person I saw was a fat Asian kid (probably 9 yrs old) at Disneyland and he was eating pork rinds. Hahaha he made my day.

12. Sunrises are better than sunsets. The people out for sunrises are the ones who really care.

13. Saying goodbye to the beach is even more tragic than knowing I will never get to marry Denzel Washington.

14. Tan lines are real.

15. Wish you were there.

I SEE YOUR HALO.

Today I did some of the following:

~tied at least 14 kids shoelaces that had come undone.

~taught a lesson about ratios and percentages that i didn't even understand, and the whole time i was teaching i was praying the kids didn't ask me questions about it.

~sang the November gobble gobble song (hand motions and dance included).

~played soccer with 3rd grade boys at their recess....they were impressed.

~sent six graders to the principals office because they kept throwing sand at each other.... idiots!

~read the best book of my childhood with the coolest kid ever! read the Watsons go to Birmingham if you can. it is perfecto.

~made an adorable paper turkey, and on the paper feathers kindergarteners and i wrote things that we were grateful for. one girl was sure to write cookie dough and another boy was grateful for his glasses.... such cuties.

~and best of all.... heard this hilarious conversation between 2 5th graders.

boy #1: "i am an angel."
boy #2: "yeah right!"
boy #1: "i am." "see my halo?"
boy #2: "yes, and do you want to know what is holding that halo up?"
boy #1: "what?"
boy #2: "two little devil horns!"

Yes, I love my job.

EXTRACTING WISDOM

I got my wisdom teeth pulled. I dread these sort of things. I know what you all want to hear: the waking up from anesthesia story. It wasn't too crazy though.

I woke up from anesthesia and refused to talk. People would say stuff and I would just give them the death stare.... like if you say one more word I will kill you. Quit asking me if I am comfortable! No, I am not comfortable with 4 holes in my jaw and bloody gauze in my mouth, but thanks for asking. When it was time for them to wake me up from the leather couch I was sleeping on, I told the workers I would not put my shoes on. Whenever he tried to slide them on again I just kept waving my long, pointer finger back and forth, like no, no, no that is not going to happen. No shoes for me. It took my mom coaxing me to put them on for about 5 minutes, and then I finally gave in. I'm still stubborn even when I am drugged up. Still, it was not too bad of a reaction to the meds.

By the way, I think pulling wisdom teeth is a conspiracy. Our grandparents and every other generation before them never had to get them pulled. All of a sudden they are these terrible teeth and they need to be extracted? Um no. Those oral surgeons just want my cash money. THIEVES.

COUNTDOWN!

COMING HOME OCT 27

Excuse me, but do you see the date? That means that my sister will be home in 30 days. I am so excited. SORELLA ANDERSEN COME HOME TO ME!

JOYS OF TEMPING

Yesterday the Spanish teacher at school called in sick. How appropriate for the Spanish teacher to get the swine flu. No one at the school speaks Spanish, because it is full of white, suburban, Mormon moms. I am the closest thing they have to a Spanish speaker, so, the principal relieved me of all of my obligations for the day and they threw me in as the Spanish teacher..... oh my heavens. I felt like Jack Black in School of Rock. Hello, just because you have to take 4 years in high school doesn't mean you learn anything! I ditched half of the time and when I did make it to class for the other half of the time I was watching my friend make Top Ramen on his portable stove in the middle of my teacher's lesson (he was a strange kid). Anyways, I am just saying, I do not know Spanish.

You all would have been so proud of me, I walked in the classrooms and all the teachers that know me on campus where like "I didn't know you spoke Spanish?" I wasn't about to look like an idiot, so I decided to act all smooth and was all, "oh yeah, I used to live in Mexico, I know enough Spanish to get by." I left out the fact that in my world, getting by is knowing how to order tortilla soup without onions (sin cebolla), and saying the hi how are you crap you learn from Dora the Explorer. Anyways, my nightmare came true when I was teaching the second graders...... THERE WAS A GIRL FROM MEXICO CITY. That's right, she was straight up from Mexico. Yikes. Ask me if I just wanted to shrivel up and die. I had been faking it well for 3 class periods, but oh boy I didn't think I could do it in front of the real deal. After class she was like "you're Spanish accent is muy bien."Hahaha it was a compliment from a second grader, but shoot, I'll take it.

Needless to say I survived the day, and made friends with all the kiddies in school. I love teaching my regular classes. My students rock. Everyone loves Miss Kaley! Adios.

TO MY BELOVED

To my beloved first crush, may you rest in peace.

I love you.

THIS IS WHAT I LIKE.

So I promised that the next time I blogged it would be about something dandy. I fear too many people think I am either 1. scary or 2. depressed. So, let me pull a Julie Andrews on myself and tell you a few of my favorite things.

~gospel ~family ~my pals ~people watching ~surprises ~temples ~people who give firm handshakes ~wit~playing cards with my family for FHE ~the beach ~art~ salt & pepper hair ~learning new things about Ben Franklin~dreaming about becoming a spy ~roses ~Raj ~men's soccer~good parents ~my orthodontist ~fresh fruit ~smile lines ~elopements~the golden girls ~fishermen ~perfume ~super nintendo~scarves ~ thinking about people getting dressed... um before you judge, think about it. it makes me laugh so hard. ~splash mountain ~people who don't bore me ~dictionary.com's word of the day ~inappropriate jokes ~movies that make me cry ~folding towels (love it) ~old photos ~people who blow kisses and/or wink and manage not to freak me out (that's talent, and i like it if you can pull it off) ~serious men ~pineapple juice ~air conditioning (great) ~french and italian~hand written letters ~phone calls that are short and sweet~making people laugh ~people who stand up for what is right... people with backbones get 2 thumbs up from me.~Emerson ~eating lunch with my teachers ~keeping secrets ~being awake for sunrise ~the hits i sing in the shower ~handmade jewelry ~homemade gifts ~men who can hug you just right (no thanks to sissy girl hugs) ~movies ~sincere comments ~generosity ~nature ~lockets ~80's hair ~maleficent ~bon fires, and then not having to camp outside afterwards ~french fries ~anyone who can do mental math is such a winner to me ~inside jokes ~people that get attached to their pens ~my favorite sweatshirt ~being trusted ~card tricks ~simple lifestyles and complex minds ~rivers ~the front seat of the car ~first aid kits (awesome) ~people with kind hearts ~good story tellers ~sleeping in the park~happiness etc

Okay there you go. Tons of things that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. And that list could go on and on forever. I love life. I am neither scary (unless you abuse your kids in front of me) or depressed (unless the sun isn't shining). I also keep my promises, and I promise from here on out that no more boring blogs like this shall ever be posted again.

JESUS IS COMING... LOOK BUSY.

I have had a few questions of the soul over my time here on earth. Is there a God? What is love? Should I get the coke slurpee or the cherry? You know, the usual. But none are so great as this one, and yes my friends I found the answer to the question.

Why do morons exist? Where do they come from? How do they survive? And how do I learn to love them like our Savior can? The answer my friends is that we love morons because without them, Jesus couldn't come back. It has to get worse before it gets better. So next time you feel like yelling at a complete fool, tripping someone who deserves it, or wishing a curse on the DMV worker who has vaselined lips and red fingertips from eating hot cheetos, and then gets her juices all over your documents, remember that they are your friends. And don't forget, when Jesus does come back and compares them to you, you are going to come out smelling like a rose, and well, they will smell like the Wendy's they have been working at their entire lives.

p.s. why do I always blog when I am irritated? I am going to change that about myself. The next blog will be happy and uplifting and just plain dandy. Until then, my loyal blog followers, much love, and remember: Jesus is coming, so look busy.

THE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES.

Welcome to my new favorite movie. Yes, I know, I know, Barbra is a diva..... so what! In the movie she is wonderful. This movie is hilarious and perfect. My mom was in town and was like, "let's watch the way we were." We happened to find a double feature movie (gotta love them) with the way we were and the mirror has two faces. The way we were was good, but not the coolest. However, this beauty I AM OBSESSED with. I have watched this movie like 7 times. I go to sleep listening to it. I love it. If you haven't seen it, you need to.

I'M A MEAN BALL OF PLATO.

Just as a disclaimer... this was written in bitterness. This story happened in a bitter moment in time. Rich people have treated me poorly this past week. Read on....

Yesterday there was one of those tours on campus, you know the ones I'm talking about. The ones where rich parents and their star athlete offspring get special treatment and ride around in the golf cart on campus and get a tour.

I just dropped off Kelsey from visiting me. So there I am minding my own business walking on campus sad and lonely and hot, and the mom in the golf cart says, "pull over, I want to talk to that girl." Meaning me. Ugh.... rich people. Why God why? How can I describe this woman? She was wearing a big hat and a Nordstrom outfit, full on evening gown make-up, pearls, clutch, was too skinny for her age, to wrinkle-less for her age etc you get the picture. So there I am, and no I'm not in the happiest mood I'll admit it. Conversation goes as follows:

RICH SNOB: Hey GIRL (first mistake), you look nice (second mistake), can I ask you a question (third mistake)?
ME: Um, my name is Kaley, what do you need to know?
RICH SNOB: Well, excuse me KYLIE, but I was just wondering if you like it here?
ME: Like it where?
RICH SNOB: At BYU. I mean we can afford to put him anywhere, why should he go here? Yes, she said this.
ME: Did you just ask me advice on where your kid should attend college?
RICH SNOB: Well yes.
ME: So I just turned to the son and said "Do you like Mormons around you every second of the day, do you like everything in your town closing at 6 pm, do you like a dress code where if you go a day without shaving you are given a citation, do you like being seen as a burden on society if you aren't married by age 22, do you like living in a town where the city hang out is the corner 7-11, do you like living in a town in the winter where the sun never shines and it is cold enough to grow icicles on your dress coded beard?"
RICH SNOB OFFSPRING: Well no.
ME: Then I'm off.
RICH SNOB: Well, you are very rude.
ME: Yeah, you have terrible discernment. I guess I'm not nice. Bye GIRL.

Best part about it was that even in my bad mood I was able to pull a philosphical Socrates and Plato on him and solve this kid's problems just by asking questions. Hurray for Greek thinkers like good ol' Soc and me.

FYI: Just because your rich doesn't mean everyone is your hired help. Spread the word. Help someone get off their high horse today.

WHAT CAN YOUR LOOKS BUY YOU?

Alright, so on Monday I was walking down the street at about 3:45 in the afternoon. I was on my way to campus to endure a 3 hour statistics class. I wasn't too thrilled about it. So, as I am walking and thinking negative thoughts in my head like "ugh, I hate statistics," "my teacher is such a creeper," etc. I heard the sound of my childhood.... the good old ice cream truck. So I smile and I think of the good ol days when stats were not a part of my life. The music is a bit far off, but soon it gets closer and closer, and then within 20 seconds it is blaring in my ear. The truck is just driving slowly right by me. Stalker. And I'm thinking "I know I didn't flag him down for ice cream what the heck is his problem?" So after 10 seconds of avoiding eye contact, I just couldn't do it anymore. I look over and see a 23 year old Mexican kid driving the truck. I just nervously said "um hi." And then he stopped the truck and said the following: Hey how are you? Girl, you are beautiful. How are you doin? (All in a funky Mexican accent). I was completely freaked out and uncomfortable. I wanted to do what I always do when boys start talking to me: flip them off and run up to campus. But, as my friends have recently told me, I need to be more tactful and stop giving off the "get the heck away from me vibe." So I decided to say "thank you." As I am power walking away and sweating on my upper lip because of nerves, he says the line of my life, "You deserve a free ice cream for your looks..... CATCH!" A popsicle was thrown out the window and into my hands. You can guess what popsicle it was can't you? Yep, a firecracker. I loved the ice cream man in my childhood and I love him now and I will love him forever.

WELCOME

This week I was confronted twice in one day about not having a blog. I decided that it was a sign, and thus, a blog is born. I honestly don't know why it has taken me so long to create a blog. Blogs are so wonderful. They are filled with people rambling about their days, posting pictures, pointless entertainment news, funny stories, and other meaningful events in life. Get ready for the best blog yet! Love to you all.