SAY "NO" TO THE DRESS

Hello everyone... am I the only one obsessed with TLC's show, "Say Yes to the Dress?'" Okay, so these women fly in from all over the country to buy their dream dress, to marry their dream fiance, at their dream location and have their dream life. All this is made possible of course by their dream man's huge ass wallet (or their daddy's huge ass trust fund) . Scenario: bride, size 2, blonde hair with black roots, perfectly oranged skin, fake tatas and in possession of a nasally jersey trash accent. You are left wondering... how in the world does this used and abused broad have an "unlimited" budget? This question is difficult to answer. However, do not rack your brain for too long... enter fiance. Bald, techy dude from India. His name is usually Sanjay or Sheepak. Don't get me wrong... I want one of them too. However, not to many Mormon boys fit this description (bald, yes... rich, intelligent Indian, not so much.) So anyway.. if you want to see a rich twig humiliate, patronize and demean the bridal employees at Kleinfeld's (the name of the bridal store), watch this show. You will be entertained and you will definitely want to elope when your dream man comes a knocking. P.S. If I don't get my dream job of being an international spy, I will become a bridal assistant at Kleinfeld's and steal their Indian men.

I MAKE KIDS THROW UP.

So I have a story for youI was at the Christmas program for the school. There was a kindergartner, we'll name him Bob. He has the sweetest voice and is blonde and very smart and funny. Anyways, I've gotten to know him pretty well and he was nervous to go on stage and perform his speaking part and singing part. So the little guy came to me for some TLC. He chose wisely. I have this little gift where when kids are scared or nervous they always come to me and I can calm them down and convince them to do the task that they find terrifying and they do it. They trust me for some odd reason. It is my favorite gift from heaven. Anyways, he told his parents he wasn't doing it. 5 minutes with Miss Kaley and he was on stage. THEN HORROR BROKE OUT. He started just fine, and then in the middle of singing he just turned white and threw up in front of 200 people. He just puked all over the stage. It was the saddest thing you could ever see.... and I felt like it was my fault because I convinced him to do it. I am terrible. But on the positive side, he has recovered and it was the most memorable act of the night!

Chad.

My Dad is an ESPN man. The only other shows he watches are Bill O'reilly and the Amazing race. However, last week I discovered him watching million dollar listing on bravo, and he said he watches it because he loves Chad. What the ? I cannot stand him. To each his own I suppose. It made me laugh for days.

Vacation!

we love it's a small world.

the glorious beach.

my family is perfect.

My family and I went on our yearly vacation to California. It was, as usual, perfect, and I never wanted to leave. The beach is the most wonderful place on earth, and I love Disneyland. We had some adventures that I would like to inform you about.

1. I found out that Kelsey wants to name her daughter Olive and her son Oliver. And if she has a second son his name will be Sebastian. Goo! They will hate her.

2. I get free stuff from women all over the place. Girls, I need girl-crush business cards. I swear. My mom and my sisters and I went to the O.C. swap meet (classy) and I got free stuff just because they liked me... earrings, bread, etc. I should just become a lezzie bezzie and get it over with.

3. Kelsey believes that the blankets she used were "activated" by her body heat and that is why she got so freaking hot in the night. Loco.

4. We watched an episode of celebrity Jeopardy and I discovered that I answered all of the questions right. They were made for 4th graders. I hate celebrity Jeopardy and so does my family. Also Judge Judy never ceases to amaze us. We adore her.

5.Whitney was talking on the phone in Costco as we were buying food for the week and she was like "I don't know where I am." An evesdropping stranger said in a really gruff voice, "You're in Carlsbad!!!!!" Yikes. Whitney also eats pickles and chips and salsa, and thats about it. She missed those things while in Italia.

6. Costco sells the bomb molasses cookies. Hot damn! Pick them up.

7.My Nana, for some reason unknown, thinks that if someone looks nice, they are Mormon. So she will just ask the cash register guy "are you Mormon?" clear out of the blue, and the usual response is "GOD NO!!!!" Gotta love it.

8. We had to sleep on a pull-out in the living room (my back is in some bad shape) and Charley, my baby sis, refused to sleep there because she said that the shadows in the kitchen at night looked like "King Kong." She was terrified.

9. I love taking long walks for hours on the beach. It is my goal in life to own a beach house. Also, the best musician to listen to while on the beach is Mason Jennings. He is my new favorite singer.

10. I watched the mirror has 2 faces, and funny girl. It would have been complete if Yentil had been played. Babs never fails me.

11. The best thing to do at Disneyland is to people watch. THERE IS NOTHING BETTER. The winner of best person I saw was a fat Asian kid (probably 9 yrs old) at Disneyland and he was eating pork rinds. Hahaha he made my day.

12. Sunrises are better than sunsets. The people out for sunrises are the ones who really care.

13. Saying goodbye to the beach is even more tragic than knowing I will never get to marry Denzel Washington.

14. Tan lines are real.

15. Wish you were there.

I SEE YOUR HALO.

Today I did some of the following:

~tied at least 14 kids shoelaces that had come undone.

~taught a lesson about ratios and percentages that i didn't even understand, and the whole time i was teaching i was praying the kids didn't ask me questions about it.

~sang the November gobble gobble song (hand motions and dance included).

~played soccer with 3rd grade boys at their recess....they were impressed.

~sent six graders to the principals office because they kept throwing sand at each other.... idiots!

~read the best book of my childhood with the coolest kid ever! read the Watsons go to Birmingham if you can. it is perfecto.

~made an adorable paper turkey, and on the paper feathers kindergarteners and i wrote things that we were grateful for. one girl was sure to write cookie dough and another boy was grateful for his glasses.... such cuties.

~and best of all.... heard this hilarious conversation between 2 5th graders.

boy #1: "i am an angel."
boy #2: "yeah right!"
boy #1: "i am." "see my halo?"
boy #2: "yes, and do you want to know what is holding that halo up?"
boy #1: "what?"
boy #2: "two little devil horns!"

Yes, I love my job.

EXTRACTING WISDOM

I got my wisdom teeth pulled. I dread these sort of things. I know what you all want to hear: the waking up from anesthesia story. It wasn't too crazy though.

I woke up from anesthesia and refused to talk. People would say stuff and I would just give them the death stare.... like if you say one more word I will kill you. Quit asking me if I am comfortable! No, I am not comfortable with 4 holes in my jaw and bloody gauze in my mouth, but thanks for asking. When it was time for them to wake me up from the leather couch I was sleeping on, I told the workers I would not put my shoes on. Whenever he tried to slide them on again I just kept waving my long, pointer finger back and forth, like no, no, no that is not going to happen. No shoes for me. It took my mom coaxing me to put them on for about 5 minutes, and then I finally gave in. I'm still stubborn even when I am drugged up. Still, it was not too bad of a reaction to the meds.

By the way, I think pulling wisdom teeth is a conspiracy. Our grandparents and every other generation before them never had to get them pulled. All of a sudden they are these terrible teeth and they need to be extracted? Um no. Those oral surgeons just want my cash money. THIEVES.

COUNTDOWN!

COMING HOME OCT 27

Excuse me, but do you see the date? That means that my sister will be home in 30 days. I am so excited. SORELLA ANDERSEN COME HOME TO ME!